Memorial Day 2014, 9:07pm
My second post today.
Maybe its Memorial Day ... the fact that its a day of remembrance for those fallen heroes.
Well, in my case, it's a bit more ... metaphorically speaking since I can't recall any family members who had marched on to defend the country and never quite ... well, I won't finish that sentence.
Anyway ... I could not stop thinking about what happened, or rather ... what I found out last night. And in order for me to tell my story properly, I have to back track quite a bit.
Well ... a lot, really. Depending on how you want to look at it.
So ... *deep, long breath* I am currently many many miles away from my origin-home, the concrete jungle city of sunny Singapore. It was hard to leave beloved family and friends behind but we have a new and exciting chapter of our life to look forward to here. But of course, when we left, the family situation wasn't quite a peachy bed of roses either. *sighs*
That wasn't the main reason why I left. Just so you naysayers know.
So anyway, over the weekend, I found out that one of my first cousins got married. She's the third grandchild in a long list of grandchildren (o yeah, my beloved late paternal grandparents had 33 grandchildren, at my last count. And I am their first!!) and of the same age as my little sister (11 years younger than me). I would say our relationship is alright - I know for sure I am much more closer to my second cousins than the rest of my cousins (and my second cousins know that!).
Although I kinda knew that her big day was coming (she got engaged late last year and I wasn't invited to that engagement - remember the not-peachy family situation I mentioned earlier?), to finally see pictures of it kinda hit home somehow. A couple of my uncles and aunts knew how to contact me but none did. I saw pictures through Instagram and had my suspicion but it wasn't until an uncle posted wedding pictures on his FB that I then knew ...
And finding out like that hurts. I cried. I was pissed, upset ... I am really mad at the injustice of it all.
When I told my BFF Ayu about it, she asked me if I was homesick. I told her I don't think so. Well ... I will touch on that subject a wee bit later. I did a lot of thinking about why I cried and I think it's this: I certainly did not deserve to be ostracized like this. To not be included in such a happy occasion such as a cousin's wedding, a new baby in the family (pfft! Do not get me started on this one. It happened!!) ...
As I said before, I come from a huge family. Not so bloody huge that it requires a football field to hold a proper family gathering but big enough where sometimes, its just about overwhelming. Ask my darling hubby how he had felt when he first met my big fat Malay family *grins*
And that's just on my dad's side, mind you. It gets so much more complicated and fuzzy wuzzy on my mum's side muahahaha :D
I have always been close to my uncles and aunts. I have 6 uncles & an aunt and my relationship with each of them is unique. I have pet-names for all and was delighted when each of them got married and started their own family. It was nice to have other little first-cousins in the family ... or so I thought.
I work hard at maintaining good relationship with my uncles and aunt and their family. And being the eldest, (I'm not bragging here) I have extended a helping hand wherever possible whenever they ask me for it - tuition, that bit of extra cash, etc. I didn't mind at all, really. I mean, its the least I could do for my family.
But things simply took a turn for the worst after my beloved grandpa passed away in July 2011. We were living in AD then and I had flown back to SG with my lil toddler (darling hubby could not get away from his new position) to visit my ailing grandpa and subsequently attend his funeral. It was so hard to leave my dearest grandma behind but I am a wife & a mother and hard as it was, life does go on.
O it does. But it was never going to be the same again for me. Ever.
I never saw Nenek after that. Alive, that is. Thankfully (despite the strained family situation), my uncles informed me of Nenek's sudden departure. This happened towards the end of January 2013.
A couple of my uncles distanced themselves from me. My aunt's husband glared at my darling hubby; when before he was pretty cool to us both. Pieces of the puzzles started to fall into place and we got pretty disgusted by it all.
I don't really wish to address the issues that's causing the feud/strained relationship, etc. I just want to point out certain things that I think my uncles & aunt failed to think about:
(Or maybe they did think about it but just don't give a damn.)
A. I wonder if my uncles & aunt think about their children's future. What will happen when they die? What's the point of being a member of a huge extended family with 33 cousins and all when you distanced yourselves from one of those little families?
Maybe it was just me but I was taught from young to respect the elders in your family. I do. Even till now. I have always been respectful of my elders ... even though there are times when an elderly definitely did not deserve that mutual respect.
And none of my cousins can ever say that I was ever disrespectful to their parents because I never was.
So fast forward ten or twenty years from now, will my cousins remember that I exist?
Or worse, if anything were to happen to my uncles or aunt, will their children let me know? After all, before their children came into this world, they had played house with me first!
B. I wonder if any of my first cousins ever sat back and thought about this silly family situation/feud and say that "This is stupid! Why can't people just forgive, OK maybe not forget but bloody hell move on?!"
My girl-cousin who got hitched over the weekend is almost 26. There are at least 7 others in their early 20's and I'm sure they are smart and can think for themselves. Don't they think/wonder that their parents' decree might have been a bit ridiculous/far-fetched?
C. I did not say my goodbyes to my uncles & aunt before our huge move across the big pond - to me, it wasn't quite goodbye; it was more "see y'all later, OK?". But word got around anyway (I somehow couldn't figure out how that happened and it didn't matter). I wonder if the distance might be enough to somehow 'calm' the tense situation?
Its hard enough with all these miles between us that to me, the least my uncles could do was send me word. Write to me and say "Hey! We just want to let you know that your cousin is getting married. We wish you could be here for her big day."
Anybody who lives in SG can easily figure out how expensive a round-trip ticket to the States can be. Multiply that by 4 for my little family. And then start counting the hours. Not how many hours before take-off, mind you. Calculate how many hours it will take to get from our current location to our final destination. Don't exclude the transit time - add it all in. And multiply that by 2 because that's just how much harder it is when you travel with 2 little boys under the age of 5.
My second post today.
Maybe its Memorial Day ... the fact that its a day of remembrance for those fallen heroes.
Well, in my case, it's a bit more ... metaphorically speaking since I can't recall any family members who had marched on to defend the country and never quite ... well, I won't finish that sentence.
Anyway ... I could not stop thinking about what happened, or rather ... what I found out last night. And in order for me to tell my story properly, I have to back track quite a bit.
Well ... a lot, really. Depending on how you want to look at it.
So ... *deep, long breath* I am currently many many miles away from my origin-home, the concrete jungle city of sunny Singapore. It was hard to leave beloved family and friends behind but we have a new and exciting chapter of our life to look forward to here. But of course, when we left, the family situation wasn't quite a peachy bed of roses either. *sighs*
That wasn't the main reason why I left. Just so you naysayers know.
So anyway, over the weekend, I found out that one of my first cousins got married. She's the third grandchild in a long list of grandchildren (o yeah, my beloved late paternal grandparents had 33 grandchildren, at my last count. And I am their first!!) and of the same age as my little sister (11 years younger than me). I would say our relationship is alright - I know for sure I am much more closer to my second cousins than the rest of my cousins (and my second cousins know that!).
Although I kinda knew that her big day was coming (she got engaged late last year and I wasn't invited to that engagement - remember the not-peachy family situation I mentioned earlier?), to finally see pictures of it kinda hit home somehow. A couple of my uncles and aunts knew how to contact me but none did. I saw pictures through Instagram and had my suspicion but it wasn't until an uncle posted wedding pictures on his FB that I then knew ...
And finding out like that hurts. I cried. I was pissed, upset ... I am really mad at the injustice of it all.
When I told my BFF Ayu about it, she asked me if I was homesick. I told her I don't think so. Well ... I will touch on that subject a wee bit later. I did a lot of thinking about why I cried and I think it's this: I certainly did not deserve to be ostracized like this. To not be included in such a happy occasion such as a cousin's wedding, a new baby in the family (pfft! Do not get me started on this one. It happened!!) ...
As I said before, I come from a huge family. Not so bloody huge that it requires a football field to hold a proper family gathering but big enough where sometimes, its just about overwhelming. Ask my darling hubby how he had felt when he first met my big fat Malay family *grins*
And that's just on my dad's side, mind you. It gets so much more complicated and fuzzy wuzzy on my mum's side muahahaha :D
I have always been close to my uncles and aunts. I have 6 uncles & an aunt and my relationship with each of them is unique. I have pet-names for all and was delighted when each of them got married and started their own family. It was nice to have other little first-cousins in the family ... or so I thought.
My Big Fat Malay Wedding
I work hard at maintaining good relationship with my uncles and aunt and their family. And being the eldest, (I'm not bragging here) I have extended a helping hand wherever possible whenever they ask me for it - tuition, that bit of extra cash, etc. I didn't mind at all, really. I mean, its the least I could do for my family.
But things simply took a turn for the worst after my beloved grandpa passed away in July 2011. We were living in AD then and I had flown back to SG with my lil toddler (darling hubby could not get away from his new position) to visit my ailing grandpa and subsequently attend his funeral. It was so hard to leave my dearest grandma behind but I am a wife & a mother and hard as it was, life does go on.
O it does. But it was never going to be the same again for me. Ever.
I never saw Nenek after that. Alive, that is. Thankfully (despite the strained family situation), my uncles informed me of Nenek's sudden departure. This happened towards the end of January 2013.
A couple of my uncles distanced themselves from me. My aunt's husband glared at my darling hubby; when before he was pretty cool to us both. Pieces of the puzzles started to fall into place and we got pretty disgusted by it all.
I don't really wish to address the issues that's causing the feud/strained relationship, etc. I just want to point out certain things that I think my uncles & aunt failed to think about:
(Or maybe they did think about it but just don't give a damn.)
A. I wonder if my uncles & aunt think about their children's future. What will happen when they die? What's the point of being a member of a huge extended family with 33 cousins and all when you distanced yourselves from one of those little families?
Maybe it was just me but I was taught from young to respect the elders in your family. I do. Even till now. I have always been respectful of my elders ... even though there are times when an elderly definitely did not deserve that mutual respect.
And none of my cousins can ever say that I was ever disrespectful to their parents because I never was.
So fast forward ten or twenty years from now, will my cousins remember that I exist?
Or worse, if anything were to happen to my uncles or aunt, will their children let me know? After all, before their children came into this world, they had played house with me first!
B. I wonder if any of my first cousins ever sat back and thought about this silly family situation/feud and say that "This is stupid! Why can't people just forgive, OK maybe not forget but bloody hell move on?!"
My girl-cousin who got hitched over the weekend is almost 26. There are at least 7 others in their early 20's and I'm sure they are smart and can think for themselves. Don't they think/wonder that their parents' decree might have been a bit ridiculous/far-fetched?
C. I did not say my goodbyes to my uncles & aunt before our huge move across the big pond - to me, it wasn't quite goodbye; it was more "see y'all later, OK?". But word got around anyway (I somehow couldn't figure out how that happened and it didn't matter). I wonder if the distance might be enough to somehow 'calm' the tense situation?
Its hard enough with all these miles between us that to me, the least my uncles could do was send me word. Write to me and say "Hey! We just want to let you know that your cousin is getting married. We wish you could be here for her big day."
Anybody who lives in SG can easily figure out how expensive a round-trip ticket to the States can be. Multiply that by 4 for my little family. And then start counting the hours. Not how many hours before take-off, mind you. Calculate how many hours it will take to get from our current location to our final destination. Don't exclude the transit time - add it all in. And multiply that by 2 because that's just how much harder it is when you travel with 2 little boys under the age of 5.
I don’t ask for much. All I needed was a short note. A line. Don’t I
deserve that much?
Some may ask “Why? What for?” My answer is simple. Even though I know I
couldn’t be there for my cousin physically, the least I could do is to send her
a card to wish her & her partner happiness. That I hope she found the same
happiness I found in my darling hubby 7 years ago during my big day.
…
I wrote earlier about how my BFF, Ayu, wondered if I was homesick. I
don’t think I am that homesick really.
I certainly do not miss the hustle and bustle of the overcrowded little
island that is SG.
I do miss a selected few of my big, fat extended family. You know who
you are. You have been there to offer me solace when I thought it was hard to find. You have felt the injustice of it all too but just couldn't figure out what to do. It is tough. But you were there for me, and for that, I will always remember you and I do miss you.
And I definitely miss my close friends. They are the ones who made time
for me and my little boys. They are the ones who carved some time out for me
(out of their busy schedule) to listen to my story, to have play-dates
together, to have ice-cream sessions together. You know who you are. And I miss each of you very very very much.
Of course I miss the local food but don’t get me started on that now,
OK?
I feel better now. I have said my piece.
And if my girl-cousin were to ever stumble upon this post, this message
is for you:
My dear cousin Lala.
Despite what had happened before and what our
elders (your parents, mine, our uncles/aunts) might have said, please know that
I am very happy you have found your happiness. Take care and enjoy this new
chapter in your life. It ain’t easy but as long as you love each other, things
will be alright, in shaa Allah. Alhamdullillah, look at me and Abg T :-)
Love,
Kakak A xxx
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